Fifty Shades of.... Green

There was a discussion in the office the other day – of the type that occur when budgets are tight and employees’ thoughts turn to redundancy – about great celebrity men. In truth, I was poking my nose into a female confab about marrying a rich guy to escape impending poverty. The usual names emerged: Pitt and Craig, Depp and Lautner. And Kermit. Oh yes, you read correctly – Kermit – as in the frog. You can imagine my concern – sharing an office, and oxygen, with someone who has designs on a Muppet. But it did get me thinking...

Kermit is already in a relationship. Long-term. And granted, it’s not always been the smoothest of affairs, but it’s a relationship all the same. And Kermit’s life partner is a woman of considerable passions. It’s a passionate relationship. A passionate relationship with a pig. Think about it for a moment gentle reader... a passionate relationship between a frog and a pig.

 

OK, it’s research time. The biology of this velvety Hollywood union. Google it. Wikipedia perhaps? I did. And I was horrified. Cross-matching the she-pig’s needs with the he-frog’s capacity to deliver. It’s a disaster. A nightmare. No wonder Miss Piggy seems to be upset so frequently. And how the relationship has lasted, I’ll never know. This unequal union. How long can it possibly continue?

 

Perhaps that’s why single ladies, like my colleague, still hold a candle for Kermit the Frog. She knows he’s really still up for grabs. She craves fifty shades of green. And now my task is clear. She has to know the truth. She must be set straight about the frog and his “limitations”.

 

Next week, I think we’ll need to talk...